Most of our talking about ourselves comes in the form of our thoughts.  We think about ourselves all day and at any given time are currently holding a view or opinion about ourselves.  Though we may never vocalize the majority of it, how often do we have internal thoughts along the line of, that was stupid, why did I say that? That didn’t work, you are such a moron, or they probably didn’t speak to me because they don’t like me?

We would not put up with others saying such things yet we allow ourselves to take cheap shots at ourselves and call ourselves names all throughout the day.  If a couple times a day we are telling ourselves you’re not smart enough, you’re not good enough, or you could never do that, it should be no mystery as to why we doubt ourselves and are in a place to easily accept the negative things others say about us.  We are beating ourselves up in our mind.  And whether you want to accept this or not, that internal dialogue takes a toll on your soul.

Part of being emotionally and relationally healthy is monitoring our own self-talk.  If you are married it’s also important to be careful of the things you allow yourself to think about your spouse.  You may never say it to them, but continual thoughts such as he will probably forget, she is so clumsy, and they just don’t care about me can create distance and barriers in your marriage.  You’ve heard it said that if you hear something enough you begin to believe it.  Well that is partially true.  You at least begin to accept it, expect it, or even look for it.  So even if what you are hearing is coming from your own thoughts, you will put yourself in a negative disposition toward yourself or someone you love by constantly dwelling on your (or their) bad habits, negative traits, or character flaws.

This is the power of negative thinking.  Ultimately it is your view of yourself that determines how valuable you think you are.  If you are married, your spouse’s opinion of you is the second most important.  Don’t allow this unspoken talk to put you at a disadvantage in your relationship before you even begin to speak.

The following is a guest post by Amanda Kidd.  She is a blogger for wedding sites and frequently writes for Wedding Clan.  Presently she is on a look out for new trends related to wedding seasons.

Marriage and relationships were not meant solely for physical intimation; rather it is a basic structure of the society .Whereas in modern era the concept of marriage has changed entirely. Infidelity and unfaithfulness among partners is rampant. Soul mate seems to be an imaginary character now and no one seems to believe in dedication and unleashed love. Where did this begin? What are the reasons of these miserable failures? Let’s analyze why love is disappearing from our society.

It’s often easy to blame or tarnish someone’s image without any reason. This wrong notion often causes a strain in relationship and dissipates love and trust. Intimacy serves as the unbreakable bond that binds people together for life. But it too has its own limitations. Many a times partners are seen to be undergoing a phase which suffers from lack of emotional dedication and intimacy for each other. Such situations cause conflict and are where the blame game starts. Lack of intimacy could happen due to manifold reasons, the most common reason is lack of time, closeness and intimacy finds its way out of a relationship when one fails to manage time and neutralize their professional and personal commitments. In this modern world where competition and success are often kept above dedication, commitment, and love, it’s hard to find relationships that are not hit by such vices.

Adultery is also another nuisance; it results in lack of trust and misunderstanding. Infidelity is one such problem that eludes solution. Such blames often culminate in separation, hatred, and social isolation. The question is who should be blamed for infidelity. Often both partners deserve an equal share of the blame as such misdeeds have underlying reasons. The seductive world might not have spoiled your spouse but your ignorance has. Love and compassion are the most integral parts of a successful relationship. Lack of love, trust, care, and emotions might jeopardize your marital life.

Trust and love play major roles in taking relationships to new and successful levels. An absence of either could make your marital life dull. If your spouse loses the much priced trust on you, a secure relationship seems a distant dream. Frequent conflicts lead to serious mental and psychological problems between the partners. There are various reasons for this conflict. Poor communication among partners and frequent arguments generally raise conflicts and with time increases to irrevocable heights. A matured partner can tackle the situation and turn stressful hours into playful moments. Such endeavors evict blames and conflicts and bless both with a happy and peaceful life.

Compromise and adjustments are the two golden spells for a successful marital relationship. Hence, an adamant and non cooperative attitude would never assure a blessed marital life. One needs to render the other with ample space in a relationship which in the long run guarantees a lifelong relationship based on commitment and love.

One of these books was Love Talk by Les and Leslie Parrott.  We saw this book on the bookshelf at a used book store and bought it.  We did this because we had identified our biggest struggle as ongoing miscommunication.  It had become habit for us to be having a conversation and one of us become hurt or offended.  Not because we were trying to hurt the other person, but that somewhere along the communication line one of us was not hearing the words the other person was speaking with the same meaning that was intended.  We were hearing the same words and same tone but apparently it was carrying a different meaning for each of us.

The chapters of Love Talk broke down different parts of our communication as well as the difference between the feelings and goals that go into communicating for men and women.  Establishing that Katy empathizes and I analyze awakened us to our differences.  We also learned that I influence and reason with facts and Katy does this with feelings.  And that I spend most of my thoughts focused on the future and Katy focuses more on dealing with the present.   We also both go back and forth between being aggressive and passive problem solvers.  All these differences, if ignored, make it easy for us to stumble in our communicating.

Understanding each other and our feelings sets us up for better discussion.  Because we make ourselves vulnerable in intimate communication, we are responsible to care for and protect each other’s feelings in those times.  With what we’re learning about each other and some conversations tips we received from a counselor, Katy and I are learning to have more successful, safe, and productive conversations.

This solid communication is key to feeling loved and understood; a goal for every relationship.

Whether it be through twitter, blogs, or preaching, we are informed regularly of the hotness of the pastors wife.  A few pastors I follow seem unable to use their wife as an illustration or address the issue of marriage without having to give a shout-out to how hot their wife is.

I’m not going to judge their motives as perhaps this is their form of publically expressing love for their wives, though I doubt it’s how these wives would prefer to be referenced.  They are not telling us that their wives are attractive or pretty or do cute little things; they are only informing us that their wife is hot.

At first I thought these references were funny.  Then they got old quick.  Then I continued to hear them so often it became annoying, and now I honestly think these comments are unhealthy.  As a pastor who preaches moral purity and marital faithfulness, should they really be pointing out the physical attractiveness of a woman other than the listeners wife?

Personally, I don’t want you to think my wife is hot.  I want you to think your wife is hot!

I want to see pastors preach, teach, and lead in a way that encourages purity and marital faithfulness.  Pastors should encourage you to work in keeping that spark and intimacy in your marriage, not make light of such by giving the appearance that physical attractiveness is the key factor in marital happiness and at the same time establish that their wife is the most attractive.

I admit this is a pet-peeve and perhaps I am being nitpicky.  Feel free to share your thoughts/experiences on the topic!

We all have unmentioned expectations. And like was mentioned in the last post, we often lie about them.  We are unaware that they even exist.

There are things we all assume, we all think the other person should do, and we expect the other person to just know to do.  This causes us to do something in the middle of a conflict and then later tell the other person, “you were supposed to _______” the blank could be “say something,” “follow me,” “know that would upset me.”  The other person cannot read our minds.

But until we admit the assumptions we entered the relationship with assumptions (about gender rolls, responsibilities, sacrifices, etc), we cannot be honest with our partner.  Expecting these unmentioned expectations without letting the other person know we do will almost always cause conflict.  Such is not healthy and often leads to us being hurt or upset by something the other person did thought they were not trying to offend us.

Honesty is still the best policy.  You never grow out of that.  Not even in marriage.  Trust me, if you are willing to sit down with your relational mate and discuss some of the bars you have been holding them to without informing them, you will experience a lot of freedom.

When I was single it was easy to see myself as a good communicator.  After all, I always knew what my thoughts meant.  My wife, however, is not so good at reading my thoughts and at times has even told me she does not know what all my words mean.  This has been hard for me.  Not only to struggle with better describing my thoughts but also to admit I was not good at this.

I realized though that when I assume my wife knows what I’m thinking, I’m much more careless about the words I say.  Actually, let me rephrase that.  Because I wish my wife to knew my thoughts, I sometimes lie.  Allow me to show you how this often takes place.

My wife:  “Aaron, is everything ok?”

Me:  “yeah”

My wife:  “You sure?  Is anything wrong?”

Me:  “no”

All the while thinking, of course something is wrong, how can you not know?

When we saying nothing is wrong when something is wrong, we are lying!!  Don’t say nothing is wrong if something is wrong.  That makes you a liar!  I, as well as many other men I’m sure, need to become better at sharing our feelings.  Not that we always sit on the couch with tissues and pour our hearts out.  But if our wife is there for support, love, and acceptance, don’t make that job harder on her.  Even if you don’t want to talk about it (which for me means that I actually do), at least be honest.

My wife and I had an argument one Sunday morning that all stemmed from me being quiet when I was obviously upset.  I later told Katy that I was quiet because I was afraid that if I said something it would upset her or bring about a bad response from her.  She looked right at me and said something very powerful.  She said, “My reaction is not your responsibility.”  WOW!!

That put me in my place.  Here I thought I was trying to protect her and she showed me that I was the one causing the conflict because I was refusing to open up and be honest.  I think that many times there are conflicts that are unnecessary because someone in the relationship, for whatever reason, is refusing to be honest.

When disagreements, financial issues, or general hard times becomes concerns in our relationships the tendency for many is to either get upset and lash out in anger or become overwhelmed and seclude themselves from the situation and the other person.  This is often referred to as fight or flight.  Most people have a predisposition to doing one of these things when it comes to relational stress.

Because our relationships involve other people it’s easy to tack the problem on the other person.  That way we feel justified in getting upset at them or wanting to get away from them.  After all, they are the problem (so we think).  Both of these reactions are extremes and unhealthy.  Rather a balance is probably the best approach.  This means withdrawing from the situation (mentally) just enough to be able to come back and deal with it with a cool head.  This helps the couple reach the proper view of the problem which is us vs. this problem, not you vs. me.

When couples act in such abrupt ways it stunts their growth in relational maturity and in coming together as a couple.  There is something to be said for sticking with it!  Staying in the game even when times are tough are the situations that build relational trust and intimacy.  That’s why I think it’s much more romantic for a couple that is struggling (emotionally, physically, financially) to stick with it and work together to make it through than it is for someone who can give his girl anything to do so because he has the assets.

It is those experiences of making it through the pain and stress together that will help keep you committed for the long haul!

When you think about it, not only are those words powerful, but for many of us they are true.  When it comes to relationships (business, family, love) we tend to act, react, and expect behavior based on what we have had modeled for us.

In the heat of an emotional moment we revert back to the habits we have developed, even if they are contrary to our “normal” nature or personality.  This could mean being easily hurt or offended, assuming the worst, or shutting down and giving the silent treatment.  We are characters of habit and sometimes habits build easily or unintentionally (especially bad ones).

For instance, there’s no practice for getting married.  You are single and on your own one day and the next you have to share everything.  Then a conflict arises and because you have no experience or habits as a married person to draw from you most likely will imitate what you saw your parents do.  For my wife and I we both entered our marriage assuming we would handle money, communication, tv watching, etc the same way our respective parents did.  This caused trouble when the systems we had observed began to conflict.

So in the song, Taylor sings that she was bracing to be left as a result of her marital spat because that was the habit of her single father.  The best thing we can do is be aware of these tendencies and become intentional about making our own patterns of behavior rather than continue to operate inside the ones we inherited.

As I was walking and praying I was going through my list of things I was asking God for at that time – a better job, more money, and a girlfriend (remember, it was several years ago).  I was asking God to open doors in those areas.  Basically, I was asking God for freedom to do something – ask a girl out, go for a job, etc.  That’s when God revealed to me that I have a fear of rejection.

My prayer comes down to me asking God to give me confidence so I could go do something I was already capable of.  It wasn’t that I could not try what I was wanting, I just was afraid that if I tried it might not work.  I was making it spiritual by praying and telling God I was leaving it up to Him but in reality I was asking Him to do it for me!  In essence, I was blaming God for my lack of confidence.

Do you know that I never asked a girl out who I was not 100% sure would say yes (until my wife)?  I have a really tough time asking for things, even from customer service when the problem is clearly their fault.  I’ve never been overly bold in……well, anything.  I basically used to wait for whatever fell into my lap and then considered that God’s will.  I learned that maybe what fell into my lap was God’s gift and if I would get up and take God-directed risks I could be so much more blessed.

Though God has given me confidence and developing a vision for your life certainly gives you more assurance, I still struggle at times.  I still hold back out of fear of rejection.  I would just rather not speak up or rock the boat even though I know that in most of these cases the worst that can happen is for the other party to say “no.”

Rejection is one of my fears.  Realizing it though helps me be more intentional about overcoming it.  I’m continually working to do that.

What is one of your fears?

There’s nothing I could do to earn it.  I did nothing to deserve it.  In my weakest of moments I have often thought back to the promise I have of salvation and though it did not always cure the present pain, it helped put things in perspective for me.

• My Family

I’m thankful for the family I grew up in.  Like any other family there were downfalls, but they modeled so many things right for me.  I never saw my parents fight in front of us.  My parents never discussed their money stresses when we were around (though I know they had them).  My parents modeled partnership and faith in front of me well and I can’t help but wonder what horrible place I may be if not for growing up in the family I did.

By the same token though, I am finally beginning to recognize that my wife Katy is now my family.  She is my top priority and dedication.  She comes first.  This is still new to me but when I talk about being with my family, I’m not talking about driving ten hours to Ohio but spending time with the prettiest girl I know.

• My Friends

I fully admit I’m not as good a friend as I want to be.  I’m not the best and following up or staying in touch.  Still I have people who believe in me, trust me, and are the best friends I could ask for.

Thank you God, family, and friends for all you have contributed to my life!