Posted By Aaron Marcelli on October 10, 2011
In a relationship book my wife and I read earlier this year there was an entire chapter dedicated to the subject of self-talk. Whether we want to admit it or not, we are easily influenced. This is a consequence of being human. The way others act toward us and the words they say to and about us can have great impact on us – positive and negative. And there is no one who says more about us than us. We are the biggest influencers on ourselves.
Most of our talking about ourselves comes in the form of our thoughts. We think about ourselves all day and at any given time are currently holding a view or opinion about ourselves. Though we may never vocalize the majority of it, how often do we have internal thoughts along the line of, that was stupid, why did I say that? That didn’t work, you are such a moron, or they probably didn’t speak to me because they don’t like me?
We would not put up with others saying such things yet we allow ourselves to take cheap shots at ourselves and call ourselves names all throughout the day. If a couple times a day we are telling ourselves you’re not smart enough, you’re not good enough, or you could never do that, it should be no mystery as to why we doubt ourselves and are in a place to easily accept the negative things others say about us. We are beating ourselves up in our mind. And whether you want to accept this or not, that internal dialogue takes a toll on your soul.
Part of being emotionally and relationally healthy is monitoring our own self-talk. If you are married it’s also important to be careful of the things you allow yourself to think about your spouse. You may never say it to them, but continual thoughts such as he will probably forget, she is so clumsy, and they just don’t care about me can create distance and barriers in your marriage. You’ve heard it said that if you hear something enough you begin to believe it. Well that is partially true. You at least begin to accept it, expect it, or even look for it. So even if what you are hearing is coming from your own thoughts, you will put yourself in a negative disposition toward yourself or someone you love by constantly dwelling on your (or their) bad habits, negative traits, or character flaws.
This is the power of negative thinking. Ultimately it is your view of yourself that determines how valuable you think you are. If you are married, your spouse’s opinion of you is the second most important. Don’t allow this unspoken talk to put you at a disadvantage in your relationship before you even begin to speak.