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Posted By Aaron Marcelli on September 3, 2009

I have always been into self-denial as in depriving myself of food, television, spending, or sleep somehow I thought made me more spiritual.  So anytime I’m feeling distant from God or really desire to be blessed in a certain way my mind immediately goes to what can I give up in order to impress God with my drive and self-discipline.

My mind wondered down that road just a few weeks ago when my girlfriend and I were spending a romantic evening in Chattanooga.  We took in some fine dining, walked the downtown docks and walking bridge, and then sat at the pier where we overlooked the Tennessee River and discussed future ministry.  Anytime I’m in Chattanooga my heart races and I cannot help but imagine living and doing ministry there.  Knowing this, Katy encouraged me to dream out loud and because of the call I spoke about in my last entry I am now more able to express what I long to do and see happen in that city.  But it was in the bathroom at Cold Stone Creamery where God really spoke to me that night.

After walking the streets of downtown we went to the riverfront shop for some ice cream but I chose to use the restroom first.  With my heart, mind, and soul still rushing on adrenaline just for being in the town I have come to love so much, even while washing my hands I was really envisioning a church and ministry that could be.  Now, I’m not sure if it was the voice of God or my self-sacrificial minded inner voice, but the question I clearly heard was what would you give for it? Before answering, I felt as though I was getting follow up questions in the form of visions.  My eyes open and looking at the tiles, my mind showed me myself years from now, living in Chattanooga, having never sold a book or being a household name, yet making a small difference in the lives of those who I got to know well.  Then I saw my wife and I having to make extreme sacrifices, missing some meals and having no entertainment but each other while working toward building a ministry that we knew would one day take off and yield spiritual and material rewards that made it all worth while.

I didn’t know how to take this bathroom encounter.  I simply whispered yes Lord, I would do it, then threw away the paper towel and returned to the noisy ice cream shop lobby where the employees were singing for tips.

So what do I do with this?  My passion is building but how long am I to remain at that step?  Was that even really God who was talking to me and is my vision really a calling or just something I want but am nice enough to involve Jesus?  Is my burden one I am to hold on to or act on immediately?  I look for everything to be a sign and then if I ever get a true sign I talk myself out of it saying it was just my conscience or possible coincidence.  Then I read things like this blog post by Perry Noble and get very convicted but don’t know what to do with it.  Should I up and quit everything, move, and begin work now and see God bless my faith or if I did that would I be foolish, out of God’s timing, and end up homeless?

There are so many good, yet opposing views when it comes to things like this.  One side says to wait on God while the other says I should not wait because He is not late.  Someone has said for us to get out of the way and watch God do what only He can do while I heard another point out that we should be consistently moving and that God may be waiting on us to take the first step.

Perhaps now your head hurts and you have come to the conclusion, like so many others have told me, that I over-analyze things way too much.  But as I continue to wrestle with the when and how questions, I take peace in knowing that my motives are pure, because whoever it was speaking to me in the bathroom at Cold Stone, even visioning a poor, broken self for the cause of ministry, I said, yes Lord, I would do it.

Category: Church Planting, Emotion Issues, Ministry, My Life / Personal
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