AaronMarcelli.org

journal entries from an emerging follower of Christ

Guest Post – Is blame undermining your marital bliss?

Posted By on August 18, 2011

The following is a guest post by Amanda Kidd.  She is a blogger for wedding sites and frequently writes for Wedding Clan.  Presently she is on a look out for new trends related to wedding seasons.

 

Marriage and relationships were not meant solely for physical intimation; rather it is a basic structure of the society .Whereas in modern era the concept of marriage has changed entirely. Infidelity and unfaithfulness among partners is rampant. Soul mate seems to be an imaginary character now and no one seems to believe in dedication and unleashed love. Where did this begin? What are the reasons of these miserable failures? Let’s analyze why love is disappearing from our society.

It’s often easy to blame or tarnish someone’s image without any reason. This wrong notion often causes a strain in relationship and dissipates love and trust. Intimacy serves as the unbreakable bond that binds people together for life. But it too has its own limitations. Many a times partners are seen to be undergoing a phase which suffers from lack of emotional dedication and intimacy for each other. Such situations cause conflict and are where the blame game starts. Lack of intimacy could happen due to manifold reasons, the most common reason is lack of time, closeness and intimacy finds its way out of a relationship when one fails to manage time and neutralize their professional and personal commitments. In this modern world where competition and success are often kept above dedication, commitment, and love, it’s hard to find relationships that are not hit by such vices.

Adultery is also another nuisance; it results in lack of trust and misunderstanding. Infidelity is one such problem that eludes solution. Such blames often culminate in separation, hatred, and social isolation. The question is who should be blamed for infidelity. Often both partners deserve an equal share of the blame as such misdeeds have underlying reasons. The seductive world might not have spoiled your spouse but your ignorance has. Love and compassion are the most integral parts of a successful relationship. Lack of love, trust, care, and emotions might jeopardize your marital life.

Trust and love play major roles in taking relationships to new and successful levels. An absence of either could make your marital life dull. If your spouse loses the much priced trust on you, a secure relationship seems a distant dream. Frequent conflicts lead to serious mental and psychological problems between the partners. There are various reasons for this conflict. Poor communication among partners and frequent arguments generally raise conflicts and with time increases to irrevocable heights. A matured partner can tackle the situation and turn stressful hours into playful moments. Such endeavors evict blames and conflicts and bless both with a happy and peaceful life.

Compromise and adjustments are the two golden spells for a successful marital relationship. Hence, an adamant and non cooperative attitude would never assure a blessed marital life. One needs to render the other with ample space in a relationship which in the long run guarantees a lifelong relationship based on commitment and love.

Lack Of Fear

Posted By on August 15, 2011

About a week ago I joined in my church’s staff prayer meeting.  The team circled up on the auditorium platform and took turns praying over the weekend’s services.  The popcorn prayer time included several staff members asking for God’s presence and blessings on the services among other requests.  And then our pastor broke in and boldly prayed, “God, we pray against fear and ask you to remove all fear from us this weekend….”

For some reason the prayer stood out to me and a sense came over me that I felt was impressing, “pay attention to this.”  The prayer time ended and everyone went their separate way, but I continued to dwell on my pastor’s prayer against fear.  Why did he pray that?  Why did it stick out to me?  What does fear have to do with a church staff holding church services?

For quite some time I’ve been thinking about the subject of confidence and what it’s role is supposed to be in my role as a leader.  One of my first blog posts was about confidence and just recently I wrote this post about confidence and Godly authority.  In my reading, writing, and thinking about these confidence-like issues I have been putting pressure on myself to grow in these areas.  But hearing my pastor pray against fear and later praying through that concept, I think I realized I have been approaching the issue from the wrong angle.

I left the staff prayer meeting reflecting on how many times the Bible tells us not to fear.  Jesus taught that we are to fear not.  It all of a sudden made sense that my pastor would pray against fear.  He knew that if a worship service, and ministry in general, is done with fear present, it will not be done as effectively.  There will be a sense of hesitancy.  Intimidation could arise.  It will be easier for a fear of man to creep onto the scene.

In mulling these things over I realized that my focus should not be on attaining boldness or acting with confidence, but rather to lead, serve, love, and live my life with a lack of fear.  Since realizing this I have been made aware of how often I feel fear and how many things cause it in me.  All those times I feel fear I am living outside of how God wishes I would live in those situations.

If I were able to “fear not” at all times, what would be the result?

Confidence?  No!

Boldness?  Authority?  No!

To live without fear would bring freedom.  Freedom to be who I am!  Freedom to do what God told me to do!

And freedom is a lot better than confidence.  While confidence would be trusting in my abilities despite the fear of failure, freedom results from relieving those fears because the consequence of following God is not up to me.  So rather than chasing after confidence, putting pressure on myself to feel boldness in order to face my fears, the way God teaches is to simply live without fear.  To live without fear provides the freedom to follow God, to carry out your vision, and to lead worship services in a way that may appear confident, simply because you do not have to deal with the hesitations and self-doubt that comes from fear.

Sometimes I Over-explain

Posted By on August 8, 2011

Most of my blog posts could probably be twice as long as they are.  Several of them are already quite lengthy.  This is because I have the tendency to over-explain.  In writing my book I would reread sections and realize I was leaving little room for imagination because I was going into great detail to express my point.  Perhaps even the amount of examples I am currently giving drive home my point.

For some reason, I almost always feel the temptation to belabor my point.  When others look at me and do not respond immediately, I sense the need to keep on talking – repeating myself or going deeper and deeper into my reasoning until I am coming off as unsure of myself.

This has become more noticeable since our timing has changed for church planting.  As people have approached me and asked for an update, I have found myself giving much more explanation than they were looking for.  It’s as if I feel the need to justify our plans or reasoning.  I don’t know if this is because I think I need others’ validation but I have developed the habit of talking way too much, as though my many words substantiate my message.

Can you relate?  Are there any areas where you feel you do the same thing?

As I try to break this practice of insecurity, I have realized three things that are helping me:

One is to be around people who I don’t have to prove my legitimacy to.  To me, this is family members who believe in me and other church leaders who understand the church planting process and are mature believers.

Second, I am working to accept that our reasoning for this stage of our lives is good enough without other’s approval.

And finally, I am becoming content to have simple plans and simple (or few) steps in that plan, even when others give me the look of, “is that all?”

My Recent Thoughts

Posted By on July 19, 2011

Here’s some things I’ve been thinking about lately:

  • Once you get married it’s hard to stay in touch with your single friends
  • Jogging outside is harder than jogging on a treadmill
  • Spiritual growth comes slow
  • Relational growth comes slow
  • I’m ready to be a boss
  • I’m motivated least to do the things I should be doing the most
  • When you’re living life to get to somewhere or something in the future life starts passing way too fast and it’s hard to slow it down
  • The Racetrack gas station $0.49 drink summer special has been bad for our family
  • I’m learning more from the relationship books I’m reading now than I did from the church planting books I read in months past
  • I really miss public speaking
  • I really hope there is not an NBA lockout this year

Anything you’ve been thinking about?

My Thoughts About The Book “Love Wins” By Rob Bell

Posted By on July 15, 2011

Nearly five months after the book was released I finally ordered my copy of the much debated Love Wins by Rob Bell. Before it was even released there were tons of online reviews and accusations going on about both the book and the author, including several well known pastors writing Bell off for stances they assumed he was taking in his book about heaven, hell, and eternity.

Sadly, I allowed myself to get caught up in much of the controversy and followed the story way too closely.  I later tried to distance myself from the subject until recently when I finally felt I was removed enough to read the book without any biases or external influences.  The book arrived and I read it in three days while taking many notes and keeping a Bible at my side.  The following is my review as well as my thoughts on the book, the author, and the ideas presented.

First, allow me to share what my feelings were toward Rob Bell before this book was ever released.  I liked him.  I thought he was a nerd, but I liked him.  I listened to his podcasts (and still do) and attended one of his speaking events in Atlanta.  In some ways, Bell and I are alike.  We have both been accused of being purposefully vague and speaking on important subjects using generalities.  We both also use controversy to make our points and generate discussion.  So when I heard that he was releasing a controversial book that hinted at a lot of uncomfortable ideas, I figured it was nothing new.  I actually expected to agree with quite a bit of it.  But I was quickly surprised.

Asking questions is normal of Bell.  Creating doubt is not.  Yet he seems to go that next step as in the first chapter Bell works hard to paint salvation as complicated and confusing.  He also points out many instances in which he makes it sound as though Scripture contradicts itself as well as using quotation marks when using words like truth and right.  In chapter one he makes some good points though and says that many pastors today point to a “personal relationship with God” as the key to salvation, yet this phrase is nowhere in the Bible.  He later contradicts himself on page 178 where he says God’s love creates “a relationship.”

In chapter four Rob asks a great question.  He says, “Does God get what God wants?”  At first you want to say, “of course.”  Then he goes on to point out all the verses that say God desires all to be saved and longs for the redemption of everyone.  So if some go to hell, and not all are redeemed or saved unto Him, then God actually does not get what He wants.  It seems as through Bell already had his case for this answer so He sets up the question in a way to present the ultimatum that God is either weak or mean.

At the end of chapter four he talks about how we may not know if God gets what God wants but that ultimately we get what we want.  If we choose to reject God and put ourselves in hell, God’s love, which provides freedom, allows that.  And if we choose to trust God then God accepts that too.

Rob talks about the different views Christians have about after life.  He represents the view that you choose in this life and then it’s settled by the time you die – heave or hell.  He then represents the idea that there may be choice after life, perhaps even an ongoing choice and the opportunity for all to eventually be saved.  He never seems to strongly take either stance so I don’t think you can say he is building his case for the more universalistic view.  However, he does give more scripture references (or parts of Scripture verses) that appear to support that argument.

He quotes Old Testament verses about God redeeming His children and delivering them from punishment to say those things occur for everyone and they occur in the afterlife. He also takes a lot of time emphasizing how original Biblical words could be translated different ways and could mean different things.  He does this with a New Testament word translated “age.”  He says it could mean a day, a set period of time, an undetermined but temporary set time, or an ongoing, possibly unending set of time.  He notes that the common Christian belief about this word when used referring to afterlife is that it is translated “eternity” – never-ending.  He says, “It’s important that we don’t read categories and concepts into a phrase that aren’t there” (p.92).  Though he is correct in that point, he seems to be saying this to challenge the idea that this word shouldn’t mean eternity and suggest that it mean temporary.  If it’s wrong to insist it means one thing, is it not equally wrong to insist it means the other?

For most of the book Bell simply appears to be listing differing opinions about heaven and hell with biblical support for each.  He seems to be questioning the traditional beliefs about these subjects without categorizing himself as a part of any one stance.  While I realize this is normal Rob Bell, he is dealing with such serious subjects that his fence riding becomes irresponsible as he does not come off as a pastor with concern for the spiritual wellbeing of others.

I said that for most of the book he seems to be riding the fence, simply detailing options.  For most of the book that is true.  Until you get to chapter seven.  Though I wanted to be able to defend Bell, in his chapter titled The Good News Is Better Than That Bell gives reason for all the criticism he has received.

Bell uses chapter seven to say that many people have legitimate reasons for doubting or rejecting God (I agree).  He says that others have been treated on earth in a way that breaks God’s heart (I agree).  He says that because God loves all He wants to “retell” our individual bad stories, and in doing so create an ongoing opportunity for everyone to change their eternities (I disagree).

He uses the entire chapter to expound on the story of the prodigal son.  In my understanding, this story is about neither heaven nor hell (directly) yet Bell goes into great detail, nit-picking the smallest parts of the story to make the point that heaven and hell are both present “at the party” whether they accept it or not.

Within the chapter he makes the statement, “A discussion about how to ‘just get into heaven’ has no place in the life of a disciple of Jesus.”  Huh?  He also goes on to basically make fun of preachers who twist the Scriptures to say what they want about heaven and hell when in reality his usage of the story of the prodigal son is doing the exact same thing he correctly finds fault with in legalistic preachers.

Chapter seven made me visibly mad.  So much so I had trouble calming down to read the following chapter, which closes out the book.  In it he tells his own salvation story and challenges his readers to take advantage of this present opportunity, noting that Jesus was always calling his hearers to take a step of faith immediately.  Though his closing call to acceptance is good, the short chapter has no leading in how or why to “experience” this love.

In summary, I will admit that I was hoping to be able to defend Bell.  I had the words lining up in my head to discuss how differences over post-salvation doctrine does not make one a heretic.  But because the book was different than even I expected, I cannot in good conscience say Bell is simply representing another view within Christianity.  I think he speaks in general enough terms and refuses to take a stance just enough to still explain his presence in Christian circles, but it is not without reason he finds himself having many new opposers.

As always, I would challenge you to read the book before whole-heartedly accepting mine or anyone else’s thoughts about the matter.  I would simply ask you read this book like we probably should read every book, cautiously and with a Bible near.  We can learn from anyone and should not use disagreement as an excuse to close ourselves off from others.  We should also not gullibly accept the words of others just because they have the same beliefs as ours.

May we all learn to be more Biblically discerning.

Whether you have read the book or not, I would love to hear your comments on Rob Bell, Love Wins, Heaven, Hell, etc.  Please share!

Love Talk

Posted By on July 11, 2011

Since changing our plans about church planting and focusing on the foundation of our marriage I have changed many of my habits.  For instance, I’m reading less about ministry and leadership and more about relationships and communication.  Katy and I have identified several books that we are reading together and then discussing as we go through them.

One of these books was Love Talk by Les and Leslie Parrott.  We saw this book on the bookshelf at a used book store and bought it.  We did this because we had identified our biggest struggle as ongoing miscommunication.  It had become habit for us to be having a conversation and one of us become hurt or offended.  Not because we were trying to hurt the other person, but that somewhere along the communication line one of us was not hearing the words the other person was speaking with the same meaning that was intended.  We were hearing the same words and same tone but apparently it was carrying a different meaning for each of us.

The chapters of Love Talk broke down different parts of our communication as well as the difference between the feelings and goals that go into communicating for men and women.  Establishing that Katy empathizes and I analyze awakened us to our differences.  We also learned that I influence and reason with facts and Katy does this with feelings.  And that I spend most of my thoughts focused on the future and Katy focuses more on dealing with the present.   We also both go back and forth between being aggressive and passive problem solvers.  All these differences, if ignored, make it easy for us to stumble in our communicating.

Understanding each other and our feelings sets us up for better discussion.  Because we make ourselves vulnerable in intimate communication, we are responsible to care for and protect each other’s feelings in those times.  With what we’re learning about each other and some conversations tips we received from a counselor, Katy and I are learning to have more successful, safe, and productive conversations.

This solid communication is key to feeling loved and understood; a goal for every relationship.

Something Better Than Human Confidence

Posted By on June 21, 2011

An area where I’ve been trying to improve myself the last several months is confidence.  I feel that sometimes I hold myself back with my own doubts and insecurities.  When I’m around other people who have great confidence I’m impressed and encouraged by observing the freedom they seem to feel in being themselves.

If you know me well you know I’m a list-maker and planner.  So that’s what I did.  I came up with a three step plan for building confidence in myself.  I focused on building confidence throughout my days.  I talked to other people about building confidence.  I read things I thought would give me confidence.  As someone who wants to plant a good church and lead a large group of people, I saw extreme confidence as a must.

However, I was at our church’s prayer and worship service one night when I felt God correct me on this.  I was moved as I watched one of our worship leaders lead in music.  It wasn’t confidence she was showing, it was something else.  I then saw one of the pastors lead a powerful time of prayer.  He didn’t do it with confidence though, he lead with something else.

In praying through this later that night I felt as though God reveled to me that what I need, and what I saw from those leading at church, is not confidence, but authority.  Specifically, Godly authority.  I spent some time journaling and thinking through this idea.  Confidence is a tricky thing.  You can gain confidence to lead and then use that confidence to lead in a wrong direction.  But Godly authority comes from hearing God and being obedient to do what He says.

When God speaks, when He leads, when He places something on our heart to do, then we can carry that out knowing we are doing what God has told us and that His approval is on us.  He places His authority on us to carry out the tasks He has called us to.  We can lead with Godly authority, knowing we are walking in obedience.

Godly authority trumps human confidence.  And this authority comes from carrying out God’s will.  This act of obedience is the ultimate form of worship, creating a healthy cycle of pleasing God and by pleasing Him, knowing you have His authority to do His work.

Who’s Got A Hot Wife?

Posted By on June 15, 2011

I have noticed a habit or trend among contemporary pastors today that I find unhealthy.  Some (not all or most) contemporary, mega-church pastors make a habit of talking about or referring to their “hot wife.”

Whether it be through twitter, blogs, or preaching, we are informed regularly of the hotness of the pastors wife.  A few pastors I follow seem unable to use their wife as an illustration or address the issue of marriage without having to give a shout-out to how hot their wife is.

I’m not going to judge their motives as perhaps this is their form of publically expressing love for their wives, though I doubt it’s how these wives would prefer to be referenced.  They are not telling us that their wives are attractive or pretty or do cute little things; they are only informing us that their wife is hot.

At first I thought these references were funny.  Then they got old quick.  Then I continued to hear them so often it became annoying, and now I honestly think these comments are unhealthy.  As a pastor who preaches moral purity and marital faithfulness, should they really be pointing out the physical attractiveness of a woman other than the listeners wife?

Personally, I don’t want you to think my wife is hot.  I want you to think your wife is hot!

I want to see pastors preach, teach, and lead in a way that encourages purity and marital faithfulness.  Pastors should encourage you to work in keeping that spark and intimacy in your marriage, not make light of such by giving the appearance that physical attractiveness is the key factor in marital happiness and at the same time establish that their wife is the most attractive.

I admit this is a pet-peeve and perhaps I am being nitpicky.  Feel free to share your thoughts/experiences on the topic!

Book Review: Doing Virtuous Business

Posted By on June 11, 2011

When my blogger book review club offered me Doing Virtuous Business by Theodore Malloch, I was excited.  Many leaders in Churches and other Christian organizations talk about business methods but none have written about it.

Before receiving the book I looked up some of its online reviews, both good and bad.  Sadly to say, most of the negative reviews were right on.  This book does read much like a text book at times and comes across as very dry.  I realize books written for CEO’s are not supposed to resemble comedic literature, but Malloch’s message is one that should have been written with more feeling and passion.

The first couple chapters were the hardest to get through as Malloch becomes quite political and feels the need to defend capitalism against unmentioned critics.  He finally gets into his message but I don’t feel his backing is especially strong.  He sites random small businesses that have had successes and quotes few recognizable business industry sources.

The gist of the book is incorporate religious, moral principles in your business habits and God will bless your business. I’m being simplistic of course.  That is the main idea though and I feel like it’s a pretty good one.  But in trying to be open to all religions, he never relies on one religions sacred documents alone or argues well for doing right simply because it’s right.  His argument is more that it works, where, again, his examples are usually on a small scale.  I give the book two stars and would not recommend it to a general audience.  Despite my critiques though, there were a few good quotes and solid business principles.  Not enough to validate the time a CEO would spend fishing them out of this book.

Below were what I found to be the best quotes or take-aways:

Take ownership of your ideas.

“Faith changes business for the better, just like it changes lives”

“The successful entrepreneur is one who knows how to take risks, assume responsibility for their outcome, and act responsibly toward those whom he includes in his gamble.”

“In referring our decisions to that higher power, we become more confident in making them.”

Morals eliminate the need for rules

“By honoring God in your actions, you change them from a routine to a sacrament.  And once you see them in that way, you perform them cheerfully, rightly, and profitably.”

“Success…comes because you are prepared for it and because you have the character that can achieve it.”

 

My New Response To Legalists

Posted By on June 3, 2011

I come from a very conservative past and from among people who have some very “unique” views and beliefs.  With my broad range of influences and my activity online I often run across sound bites, articles, and rants from very legalistic religious-types (I really need to quit google-ing mega-church pastors’ names and reading the hate blogs written about them).

These kinds of things use to make me really mad.  For real, I would get upset all day over something I read or heard from someone I don’t know.  It could be unbiblical criticism of a contemporary “heretic” preacher or a bold stance wrongly calling something sin and condemning all who partake.  Reading/hearing that would ruin my day.

My reaction used to be anger.

I would get upset.  I would get mad.  I sometimes would even leave comments on the websites or write letters to “correct” them.  My online comments were rarely allowed by the authors.  This made me even more upset.

Then, I realized how pathetic my reaction was.

Now let me say that I believe condemning something God has not condemned is wrong and I personally believe legalists will be judged for their Pharisee like statements and the heavy religion they have tried to use to control others.  But setting them straight is not my job.

So what’s my reaction to these things now?

I feel sorry for them.  Honestly.  I used to get angry, and I still deal with some of that.  But for the most part I just feel sorry for them.  They usually portray themselves as unhappy, bitter people who think just because they have self-imposed strict religious ways that suck the fun out of their lives that everyone around them should do the same.

Besides, how did these people become legalists?

From sitting under and learning from other legalist!

So though it is sad that they have been brain-washed with an uptight religion that blocks a true view of God, it’s not their fault they were made that way by the false teaching of legalistic influences.

They are simply misguided.  Unfortunately, they are also stubborn (because they can’t handle conflict over their weak logic) so it is hard to show them the truth without becoming frustrated or mad, like I used to get.

So now, I simply feel sorry for those pastors, bloggers, and misguided followers when I hear/read such legalistic, unbiblical banter.  I want to be mad, but they are still a human created and loved by God.  Just as our hearts should go out to those misguided and manipulated into a cult, so our attitude should be toward those who have been lead astray down the path of legalism.

God deliver them!